I had a moment. A moment of complete breakdown. Running across and down the train tracks.
And then I saw this.
I’ve been traumatized by trains. It’s sad really, because I actually love trains. But one of the moments where I should’ve left the abuse but didn’t happened standing three feet from train tracks while a train barreled past, where not moments before I had curled up on those tracks on a freezing day, desperate for residual warmth (I’m allergic to cold and was mid-allergic reaction) and my man refused to hold me even simply for body heat.
I hope this doesn’t happen to anyone else. I hope for you that you never have to stand and listen to someone you love scream at you over and over, “I HOPE YOU DIE!” while the train barrels past.
And I hope for you that if you do, if you are one of the one in four people who are abused, that you have the surroundings of the community that I do, that is there to tell you during “this is not ok, you’re not crazy, he has no right,” and there to love you and hold you when the world feels upside down after you finally have the courage to leave.
Because do not get me wrong, it takes the most courage I have ever known. But I promise every day becomes a little bit brighter, even with the doubts, and the missing him, and the sadness, until one day you finally think, “What the fuck!”
And it all finally becomes ok because with that thought you are finally finally free.
I hope you LIVE.
Because you are beautiful. In every way, shape, and form. <3
* * * * * * * * * *
This is dedicated to the man who held me days after the other (described above) sprained my wrist. This second man – he’s not emotional. We have more fun in bed than we usually make love gently, but that day – that day he moved my wrist funny and with the pain – both physical and emotional – I lost it and he became the first person I told what had happened. And that day he just held me gently and surrounded me with caring, and I’ll never be able to thank him enough for that.
I’m lucky. I have him, and so many other people in my life who slowly taught me, reminded me, even while I didn’t listen they kept reminding me, that the abuse I’d come to accept isn’t what’s right, isn’t what I deserve, no matter how much my crazy shines through on any day.
We all have our crazy, but in the end – you are beautiful. I am beautiful. And I am reclaiming that today.
May this train serve as a new beginning, and a reminder.